Friday, May 22, 2009

The Way Back

I don't know why I always choose non-eventful days to start writing my journals. Something about certain days that makes me want to write what's in my head. I think they come when I have had a day of thought. I find when I have a lot of time to myself and I spend time conversing in my own mind, that I get the urge to write.

I haven't written anything for a long time. My life has gotten in the way. It isn't that I've been too busy, that hasn't stopped me before. It's that my life changed so dramatically I didn't have time to spend writing. I couldn't quite get the new features sorted out. I used to be me and I had my life very sorted and ordered and I enjoyed it. I knew what I wanted to do, when, where and how. I look back on the last year or two of living on my own as the best time of my life. It was amazing who I became when I had the time and energy to spend finding myself. I am very greatful to have had that time. I am a better person for it.

But once I added Keith into that mix and started merging our lives, I lost track of things. I lost pieces of who I had become. I didn't notice the things I let slip. I was too busy being happy. I think part of me figured that I had "won" and everything else was game over. I never thought about how the learning process of my life never ends. I will always be growing and changing and evolving, and I should try hard not to forget that.

I feel like I have been in a fog. It's been a happy fog, unlike the previous one I lived in for so long. I was consumed by the newness of involving myself with someone. It has been so very different that any of my previous realtionships, that it feels like I am doing it for the first time. I didn't even notice I was dropping myself along the way.

This past week I finally realized. After small twinges the past few months, I finally saw what I had done. It made me very sick. It made me sad and ashamed, and disheartened. I had just tossed out something I had spent so long building. And it was a rude awakening.

But the good news is that it's not too late. It never is. I can turn it around and bring myself back. And I think I can do it without losing Keith and the lifestyle I have come to love. I am going to give the best I've got anyway. I woke up and realized I didn't have to be paralyzed and afraid. I don't know why I return to that in times of stress. But i need to work on it.

I began pulling myself out of the fog last week when I forced the fear down and bought a treadmill. It was like buying my life back. I remember what I used to be like, how I used to love the newness of activity, the things my body can do since I lost the weight. I had completely forgotten.

My body woke up and remembered it all. How I used to be happy, have energy, take time for myself, take pride in my appearance and my person. Oh yeah, that's what I used to be like!

So I am on my way back. I regret the slip, but I can remedy it. I know I can. I know the way back, and I am motivated. I will try doubly hard not to let it slide again. My life depends on it.

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