Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Alone Alone

Sometimes it's nice to get home and be by myself. It can be nice to finally get some quiet after a hard day at work, or exercise and make myself a simple meal and watch what I want on the tv.

But then sometimes it's not as nice. Like today. I just feel lonely and I miss Keith. I just want someone to be there to greet me when I walk in the door. Even Charlie was late on that today. I want to feel secure that he's here and is happy to see me.

Sometimes I just come home and I wonder what he's been up to all day when the house looks exactly as I left it. I wonder what his day consisted of. And I worry about it. I start to really wonder what he was doing, where he was going, what he did.

I wish I could just be normal and not think about those things. I try not to snoop too much. Both because I know it's wrong, and because I am slightly afraid of what I will find. I don't mean the occasional porn, though sometimes that concerns me too. But the searches on craigslist, the profiles on match.com he has looked at. Those frighten me. Is that normal? Does he just look to look? Is he just curious and bored? Is he searching for old friends, old girlfriends? This is why I hate it. The dreaded unknown and no way to get answers.

I can't just ask him why he looks at those things. I can't even let on that I know he does, or he'll (perhaps rightfully so) think me insane and obsessed. I know I am a little, but I just can't seem to stop being that way.

That's what bothers me the most about it. Why can't I trust? Why can't I accept that he is here, he loves me, he won't hurt me and all is well? I don't know. I have often blamed it on others. Historically, I have been right. I have been lied to and taken advantage of. So maybe that's it. I have discovered things in my snooping that I was unhappy about but better off knowing I think.

I just don't know what makes me like this. It's not a trait I am proud of or will defend. I know I am wrong, and would likely be angry if someone did it to me. Though a small part of me wonders if I wouldn't be flattered instead knowing they cared enough to snoop on me.

I just want to be confident enough in myself and my traits to feel secure. Why do I constantly wonder if I'm not good enough? I am always worried that he'll wake up and realize that he could find someone so much better than me and leave. I still think of him as a type. A type that doesn't date my type. That is, the fat type.

I have come so far in my life, I have worked so hard and yet I still actually think like that! It amazes even me to acknowledge it. I still feel inferior to others because I am heavy. I still feel like the 'fat girl' that no one really likes and no one dates. Fat girls are suitable only as friends to make the other girl look better and to tell the boys what the hotter girl thinks of him. That has been my whole experience with life, and it is hard to shake, even 4 years after losing the weight.

I can only hold out hope that eventually I'll get past it. I'll gradually stop thinking like a fat girl and just like a normal, regular girl. Whatever that is, of course.

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