Thursday, June 4, 2009


There are some days where I know what's coming. I know what I will do when I wake up, what I will eat all day, what I will accomplish at work, and most importantly, how I will feel during all of it. That sounds boring, but it isn't, not for me. I love knowing. I love being sure of how things will go. I don't hate the unknown, but I am less comfortable with it.

That's why it's surprising to me when I have a day that I expected to go a certain way, turn in a different direction. It's unexpected.

I don't mean anything drastic or life changing, just the little things. I expected to wake up and be grumpy and not feel well. I started out that way this morning. I expected that I would just be getting through today and not feeling energetic or good. That's also mostly what's happened, though I feel better than I thought I would.

But the little things, like a compliment from Keith about weightloss, a varied routine to cut his hair, a completely random gift of coffee meant for someone else at the office, and a text from my sister about the house I am trying to move into. These were unexpected and turned the day in a different direction.

I know most people would just call that normal life and not see anything different in it, but somehow it just meant more to me today. I just don't take a lot of those things for granted. Feeling like a normal human is important to me, and I haven't had a whole lot of that for awhile. I know i harp on this topic a lot, but it constantly consumes me.

I like waking up, getting ready, and enjoying the ease of putting on clothes that fit right. Something other people just take for granted is a giant event for me. I just know the feel of the clothes when they are too tight, when they are getting looser, when they fit. It's a small thing, but it changes my whole day. It can make or break my mood for an entire 24 hour period if the scale or my clothes tell me something I don't want to hear. So when they go along, even when I was half expecting them to tell me something different and had gotten grumpy in readiness, I have a completely unexpected enjoyable day.

Before I worked this many hours a week, I dreaded it. I wondered how I would get through the hours. I wondered how I would tolerate being like every other working person on earth. I really didn't get it at all. The first part of not getting it was that I have gone out of my way to make sure I love what I do. I have put in extra time and money to go to grad school, to work here and do what I do. I should have known that would make a difference. I also should have known that I love a schedule. I don't mind long hours if I can get things done, know what I need, and just do it. I should have realized that even when the days are more mundane that I'd like, there are always little things in my life that keep me going. They keep the days interesting and move them along.

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