Friday, June 19, 2009


I am having trouble staying focused at work today. All I want is to leave and begin the weekend. I'm tired, sick of the routine, and not really hooked into any projects that would keep me busy.

Ugg. All I want is to go outside and sit in the sun and just relax. I work hard all week just to be able to do that, and it's all I can think about right now.

It doesn't help that I came in an hour earlier today because Keith needs the car to come back in. So in my extremely regimented life, that means that I am now an horu ahead of schedule for everything. I was hungry earlier, I am tired earlier, I am bored earlier, and I want to go home earlier.

I just want to be active, and am feeling a bit chained up to my desk. Not having a car here also adds to that feeling.

So out of boredom, I think I might try to add up the calories I eat in a day. Or at least write it down for future reference. I feel like the little I am eating and the amount of exercise I am doing should add up to more weightloss than it has. I am wondering what the culprit is.

3/4 cup Kashi GoLean Cereal (120 cal, 10 fat)
1/4 cup raisins (100 cal, 1.5 fat)
3/4 cup fat free organic milk (90 cal)
1 cup coffee (5 cals)
tblspn coffemate (10 cals)
tspn flavor add (

bunch grapes (115 cal, 3 fat)
1 slice sprouted grain bread (90 cal, 9 fat)
1 tblspn organiz peanut butter (105 cals, 72 fat)
1 string cheese (80 cals, 50 fat)
1 dill pickle (5 cals)
1 Safeway Organic Strawberry Yogurt Cup (140 cal, 25 fat)
1 banana (121 cals, 4 fat)


Monday, June 15, 2009


Every Friday I feel great. I get off work, rush home, and spend a weekend of fun with Keith. That fun entails errands, watchign tv or movies, projects, dog walking, and more than anything cooking and eating. It's what he does. It's what he loves.

I enjoy the whole weekend thoroughly, every part of it. That's what I'm trying to come to grips with.

I have for so long deprived myself of things I want in the realm of food. Then I met Keith and it slipped. Now I am starting back up and it's been going well. I feel better, I look better, and I'm happy.

Except I still feel like I'm cheating when I have a good weekend like I described. I feel like I am not as committed to my weight loss as I could otherwise be. I should be continuing my diet through the weekend and then I would lose more and more quickly.

I know I should be able to let myself off the hook sometimes, but I am unsure when those times are. It used to be clear because I would do it when I went out, and that was not very often, or was confined to once a week. I only feel like I don't know when I should do it. Should I keep myself on a strict diet until I am back to where I was and then let myself loose on weekends? Or will it work if I exercise during the week and not on the weekends like I am doing? I don't know!

I just come into work on Monday feeling like crap. I haven't eaten that poorly, but I haven't stuck to the plan and I haven't exercised as much as I should either. I am curious to know if this plan will work for me. I am pushing very hard to get back to where I was and last week felt like I made progress, so I am hoping that after I get home and run and eat right tonight, I will feel the same about this week.

It is hard to maintain motivation. I look for it in little things all over. Today I found it in a random Glamour magazine blog about weight. It was wonderful to read my own emotions and feelings from someone else who put them into words so well. It's always heartening to know someone else is out there and is going through the same things. I had tears in my eyes while reading it because the EXACT same things happened to me when I started losing weight.

Article Here

What I hope is that eventually I'll find a holding place where it all falls into place. I will know what to do when and though it will still be work, it won't be as hard to figure out. I'm willing ot put in the work, I just want to know how to do it.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Mystery Feeling

I wish I knew what exactly the feeling I get at work is. It's extremely hard to describe. I used to get it when I was younger and was taking piano lessons too. I would sit at the piano and hear my teacher talking to me, and the feeling would come over me.

Let's see if I can attempt a description. It's a feeling of extreme calm. Of relaxation, but not in the sense that I am relaxing at my desk. Often I will be working non-stop. It's like a mental white-wall that rests right behind what I am doing. It usually comes on in the afternoon, but not always. It seems to be associated with sound for me. The repetitive office sounds bring it on sometimes. But that's the only association I have discovered.

It's a pleasant sensation though. I now sit and wait for it to come in the late afternoon when I have been working all day on something. It's something to look forward too.

I wish I could do a better job at describing it. Maybe it's a sort of euphoria or reverie or something. All I know is it's nice, and I'd like to better understand it.

Thursday, June 4, 2009


There are some days where I know what's coming. I know what I will do when I wake up, what I will eat all day, what I will accomplish at work, and most importantly, how I will feel during all of it. That sounds boring, but it isn't, not for me. I love knowing. I love being sure of how things will go. I don't hate the unknown, but I am less comfortable with it.

That's why it's surprising to me when I have a day that I expected to go a certain way, turn in a different direction. It's unexpected.

I don't mean anything drastic or life changing, just the little things. I expected to wake up and be grumpy and not feel well. I started out that way this morning. I expected that I would just be getting through today and not feeling energetic or good. That's also mostly what's happened, though I feel better than I thought I would.

But the little things, like a compliment from Keith about weightloss, a varied routine to cut his hair, a completely random gift of coffee meant for someone else at the office, and a text from my sister about the house I am trying to move into. These were unexpected and turned the day in a different direction.

I know most people would just call that normal life and not see anything different in it, but somehow it just meant more to me today. I just don't take a lot of those things for granted. Feeling like a normal human is important to me, and I haven't had a whole lot of that for awhile. I know i harp on this topic a lot, but it constantly consumes me.

I like waking up, getting ready, and enjoying the ease of putting on clothes that fit right. Something other people just take for granted is a giant event for me. I just know the feel of the clothes when they are too tight, when they are getting looser, when they fit. It's a small thing, but it changes my whole day. It can make or break my mood for an entire 24 hour period if the scale or my clothes tell me something I don't want to hear. So when they go along, even when I was half expecting them to tell me something different and had gotten grumpy in readiness, I have a completely unexpected enjoyable day.

Before I worked this many hours a week, I dreaded it. I wondered how I would get through the hours. I wondered how I would tolerate being like every other working person on earth. I really didn't get it at all. The first part of not getting it was that I have gone out of my way to make sure I love what I do. I have put in extra time and money to go to grad school, to work here and do what I do. I should have known that would make a difference. I also should have known that I love a schedule. I don't mind long hours if I can get things done, know what I need, and just do it. I should have realized that even when the days are more mundane that I'd like, there are always little things in my life that keep me going. They keep the days interesting and move them along.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Alone Alone

Sometimes it's nice to get home and be by myself. It can be nice to finally get some quiet after a hard day at work, or exercise and make myself a simple meal and watch what I want on the tv.

But then sometimes it's not as nice. Like today. I just feel lonely and I miss Keith. I just want someone to be there to greet me when I walk in the door. Even Charlie was late on that today. I want to feel secure that he's here and is happy to see me.

Sometimes I just come home and I wonder what he's been up to all day when the house looks exactly as I left it. I wonder what his day consisted of. And I worry about it. I start to really wonder what he was doing, where he was going, what he did.

I wish I could just be normal and not think about those things. I try not to snoop too much. Both because I know it's wrong, and because I am slightly afraid of what I will find. I don't mean the occasional porn, though sometimes that concerns me too. But the searches on craigslist, the profiles on he has looked at. Those frighten me. Is that normal? Does he just look to look? Is he just curious and bored? Is he searching for old friends, old girlfriends? This is why I hate it. The dreaded unknown and no way to get answers.

I can't just ask him why he looks at those things. I can't even let on that I know he does, or he'll (perhaps rightfully so) think me insane and obsessed. I know I am a little, but I just can't seem to stop being that way.

That's what bothers me the most about it. Why can't I trust? Why can't I accept that he is here, he loves me, he won't hurt me and all is well? I don't know. I have often blamed it on others. Historically, I have been right. I have been lied to and taken advantage of. So maybe that's it. I have discovered things in my snooping that I was unhappy about but better off knowing I think.

I just don't know what makes me like this. It's not a trait I am proud of or will defend. I know I am wrong, and would likely be angry if someone did it to me. Though a small part of me wonders if I wouldn't be flattered instead knowing they cared enough to snoop on me.

I just want to be confident enough in myself and my traits to feel secure. Why do I constantly wonder if I'm not good enough? I am always worried that he'll wake up and realize that he could find someone so much better than me and leave. I still think of him as a type. A type that doesn't date my type. That is, the fat type.

I have come so far in my life, I have worked so hard and yet I still actually think like that! It amazes even me to acknowledge it. I still feel inferior to others because I am heavy. I still feel like the 'fat girl' that no one really likes and no one dates. Fat girls are suitable only as friends to make the other girl look better and to tell the boys what the hotter girl thinks of him. That has been my whole experience with life, and it is hard to shake, even 4 years after losing the weight.

I can only hold out hope that eventually I'll get past it. I'll gradually stop thinking like a fat girl and just like a normal, regular girl. Whatever that is, of course.

Friday, May 22, 2009

The Way Back

I don't know why I always choose non-eventful days to start writing my journals. Something about certain days that makes me want to write what's in my head. I think they come when I have had a day of thought. I find when I have a lot of time to myself and I spend time conversing in my own mind, that I get the urge to write.

I haven't written anything for a long time. My life has gotten in the way. It isn't that I've been too busy, that hasn't stopped me before. It's that my life changed so dramatically I didn't have time to spend writing. I couldn't quite get the new features sorted out. I used to be me and I had my life very sorted and ordered and I enjoyed it. I knew what I wanted to do, when, where and how. I look back on the last year or two of living on my own as the best time of my life. It was amazing who I became when I had the time and energy to spend finding myself. I am very greatful to have had that time. I am a better person for it.

But once I added Keith into that mix and started merging our lives, I lost track of things. I lost pieces of who I had become. I didn't notice the things I let slip. I was too busy being happy. I think part of me figured that I had "won" and everything else was game over. I never thought about how the learning process of my life never ends. I will always be growing and changing and evolving, and I should try hard not to forget that.

I feel like I have been in a fog. It's been a happy fog, unlike the previous one I lived in for so long. I was consumed by the newness of involving myself with someone. It has been so very different that any of my previous realtionships, that it feels like I am doing it for the first time. I didn't even notice I was dropping myself along the way.

This past week I finally realized. After small twinges the past few months, I finally saw what I had done. It made me very sick. It made me sad and ashamed, and disheartened. I had just tossed out something I had spent so long building. And it was a rude awakening.

But the good news is that it's not too late. It never is. I can turn it around and bring myself back. And I think I can do it without losing Keith and the lifestyle I have come to love. I am going to give the best I've got anyway. I woke up and realized I didn't have to be paralyzed and afraid. I don't know why I return to that in times of stress. But i need to work on it.

I began pulling myself out of the fog last week when I forced the fear down and bought a treadmill. It was like buying my life back. I remember what I used to be like, how I used to love the newness of activity, the things my body can do since I lost the weight. I had completely forgotten.

My body woke up and remembered it all. How I used to be happy, have energy, take time for myself, take pride in my appearance and my person. Oh yeah, that's what I used to be like!

So I am on my way back. I regret the slip, but I can remedy it. I know I can. I know the way back, and I am motivated. I will try doubly hard not to let it slide again. My life depends on it.